An Important Update About Our Presidential Campaign

Time is running out.

We keep forgetting we’re running for president. And the clock is ticking.

Life happens, we suppose. We’re so busy doing things… we keep forgetting to stand up and make wild promises about the many things we never intend to do.

We must be honest though.

The polls aren’t good.

We’re from the Party of the Unelectables… and it’s proving true. We don’t have a shot.

But we figure if all the political hoopla these days is little more than smoke and mirrors anyway, why can’t we bounce off fun house walls as well?

If they can do it… surely we can too.

It’s the American way.

Free for All

Over a piece of toast this morning, we summarized the platforms of both big candidates. It didn’t take long. Our butter had hardly melted.

“If it feels good… do it.”

That’s the theme from the left and, surprisingly, the right these days too.

Free money, free school, free healthcare and free spirits. Put your mask on… and put your hand out.

That’s the view from the left side of things.

It’s no different from the right – just don’t be caught in a mask.

There’s no official platform from the Grand Ol’ Party this year… but we know the plan. Follow Trump.

If it feels good to him, he’ll do it. Surely he will.

He intends to load us up with just as many freebies as his rival. But instead of directly cutting checks to voters, he’s using Mr. Market as the middleman.

There’s less paperwork that way.

As for us though… what’s our plan? How are we going to stuff the pockets of voters?

Good question. We suppose the answer is the chief reason we’re unelectable.

We don’t believe in such shenanigans.

Our (Painful) Platform

The government’s job isn’t to feed us. That’s silly. Its job is to ensure we’re safe to feed ourselves.

It’s why – according to our own internal polls – our platform is far less popular.

“If it feels good,” we say, “don’t do it.”

The government shouldn’t do the feel-good stuff… It must do the feel-bad stuff.

It’s gonna hurt.

There goes the free money. There go countless pages of useless regulations. And there goes, gulp, three-quarters of Washington.

Unelectable… but darn effective.

The idea stems from our investment philosophy – a way of thinking that’s proven to treat us well through the years.

It is simple. We’ve written about it many times before.

Money goes where money is treated best.

Cut Wide… Cut Deep

Taxes are a lousy way to treat money. Looking at some of the things they’re spent on, we can’t help but see taxation on the same level as theft.

We’ll cut out the feel-good spending and the taxes that pay for it.

And let’s be clear here… some of this feel-good stuff is pretty darn popular.

The defense budget will need slashed. Aid to foreign governments will get cut. And the Department of Ag will get gutted as food stamps are rolled back until it hurts.

Unemployment inside the Beltway will soar.

But those lawyers and lobbyists are smart. They’ll find new, more productive ways of making money.

Again… that’s the goal.

Cut until it hurts. That’s when we know it’s working.

But we must not look only at the painful side of this. All that money won’t disappear. It just won’t be sifted through the government’s machine.

You’ll get to keep it and do with it what you see fit.

Again… money will flow to where it’s treated best.

Sorry, Cupcake

We admit, millions of folks will make bad decisions with their money under our system. They won’t have a safety net to fall into.

Some will go broke, and many, many more will be bound by the chains of mediocrity.

That’s the first law of monetary physics.

We’re sorry, cupcake, but not everybody can be rich.

But “rich” is a subjective word anyway.

The middle class in Nicaragua would love to drive a 2015 Grand Caravan to the food pantry. They’d love to have the chance to search their smartphone for the closest consignment clothing store.

The hands of time have taught us that the freer a nation is… the richer its poor become.

And by slashing and burning, we’ll have the richest poor people around. (Now there’s a campaign slogan!)

Liberty and Justice… and Pain… for All

When we’re president… it will be painful for everybody.

But then again, that’s the job of the government – to govern.

If it feels good, we won’t do it.

No way.

If a law hits our desk that’s full of fluff and false promises, it’ll get vetoed.

If Congress tries to buy more votes by handing out freebies… we’ll stop it.

And if those buggers try to raise your taxes to cover up the mistakes of others… we won’t stand for it.

The people made their money; they should spend it the way they see fit.

The folks who treat it well will be rewarded.

And those who don’t… well, there’s always Canada.

If you were an advisor to President Andy, what programs and departments would you recommend get the ax? Share your thoughts at

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