How We’ll Run the Country When Elected

Our presidential campaign is off to a grand start.

It’s been more than 96 hours since we made our bid, and the press still hasn’t tossed any mud our way.

Hmmpph… we’re insulted.

We’ve got a head start, so let’s give ’em something worth crowing about.

Here’s our platform… how we’ll run things when we’re in charge.

It’s simple.

If you want it, you earn it.

Did we mention we’re unelectable?

Take our tax plan, for instance. It’s simple.

If 10% is good enough for God… we figure it’s good enough for the government.

Our team of goons will shake down everyone living on our soil (citizens, aliens… even Canadians who pass through too slowly) for a tenth of what they earn each year.

It will pay for the stuff we all use.

Roads… bridges… border, property and crime protection. And we’ll make sure the sickest among us have a place to heal.

After that… if we can’t afford it, we don’t need it.

Don’t worry, though. We have a feeling we’ll all get taken care of.

The free market is funny that way.

Work First

But don’t think we’re heartless. We know jobs suddenly go bust. We know getting old can be hell. And we know plans go awry.

We’ll roll out a safety net.

But don’t you dare jump into it until you help build it.

We’ve opined about our plans for mandatory service before.

It’s only two years… and the kids won’t even have to fight. But if they ever want to get a buck from Uncle Sam, they’d better have served us all.

They can help build roads. They can blaze trails. They can fight fires and enforce the laws.

But we’re not slave drivers. We’ll pay them. It won’t be today’s “government money,” but it’ll be good… and fair.

And if we do things right, they’ll never come knocking on our door with their hat in hand. They won’t need to.

Old Man Market will be suppling their sustenance.

Washington Goes Out of Business

We did some ciphering and figured if the government got out of the economics business, the free market would move right in. The economy would hum… entrepreneurs would finally be allowed to succeed. Failures will fail… and winners will win.

Our culture will no longer hate billionaires… We’ll thank them for all they’ve done – maybe even toss ’em a holiday.

No longer will we rely on the government to provide for us… We’ll rely on businesses.

That means the stock market will be healthier and more predictable than ever.

It’s why – get this – we won’t let any kid put on a cap and gown without first opening a retirement account and making their first trade.

And we’ll even make him use his own money… money he earned, dare we say it, through after-school work.

Oh the joy…

We’ll laugh at our old ways. We’ll have parties as we dismantle old government buildings and put up factories, stores and hotels. And we’ll all cry tears of joy when we clock out for the last time and live our final years enjoying the money we earned all on our own.

But, alas, don’t get too excited.

We warn you of falling for false hope.

We’re unelectable.

The swamp is too deep. The smart and sensible too few.

But we can dream.

And better yet… we can all live our lives as if we’re in charge.

We already are.

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