All-Male Cuddle Groups Won’t Fix What Ails Us

We think Americans may have too much time on their hands.

Some of the hottest stocks on Wall Street make their money by entertaining us…

The average adult spends hours each day mindlessly scrolling through websites…

And now this…

Men’s cuddle groups.

They’re a real thing. And they’re surging in popularity.

From what we can tell, it’s like yoga meets Kama Sutra.

There’s the classic “spoon” position.

Or the popular “half spoon.”

But perhaps something a bit more aggressive – like the “motorcycle hold” – is in order.

Or maybe the “puppy pile” is best.

Either way, the idea is simple. Men who could use a good cuddle get together, lie down and have at it for an hour or more.

And if you’re not a fan of a public group… don’t worry. You can hire a professional cuddler to do the deed right in the comfort of your own home.

That’s a thing now.

Well, That’s Odd

Of course, these folks say it’s nothing sexual.

Most groups have strict rules against anything “inappropriate” (although we wonder whether that definition hasn’t already been stretched to its limits).

The cuddle sessions aren’t supposed to be about getting one’s jollies… They’re supposed to help men regain their mental health.

It’s an idea that makes us scratch our head.

The folks lying down for a healthy squeeze say a good man-to-man cuddle helps them share their deepest, innermost thoughts. It helps them overcome life’s trauma. And they say it helps to redefine the idea of masculinity by creating new ways for men to express themselves.

We say it’s a sign that things have gone horribly awry… and that we started this project at exactly the right time.

Here’s the thing. We don’t think these guys are crazy. We don’t blame them for trying to fix what ails them. And we don’t hold anything against them.

This certainly has nothing to do with sexuality.

But, geez, Louise, their arrows are so far from the mark it’s tough to tell what target they were aiming for.

As we tend to do… let’s set our sights on the Triad.

If he’s focusing intently on his Liberty, Know-How and Connections, a man will never have to worry about somebody barging in while he’s motorcycling with some paid professional cuddler.

Cuddling: The Problem or the Solution?

The Connections side of all of this is obvious.

Quite clearly, these men are missing something in their lives. And they’re certainly not alone.

In a world where social media has replaced the monthly breakfast with the boys and where a fist bump is just as appropriate as a handshake… most men are lacking healthy relationships.

You know the kind… where we help each other get things done, where we genuinely care about what’s keeping our friends up at night and where we’re not afraid to do a bit of careful prodding when somebody’s face is a bit dour.

Let’s put it this way. If your last conversation with a friend centered on politics or the latest Netflix premiere… you’re doing it wrong.

But we say the real problem here isn’t Connections. It’s those other two vital pieces of our Triad.

Know-How in 2019 has become something we call a subcontractor to handle. It goes back to that idea of having too much time on our hands.

In the last week, we’ve built beehives, plowed a field, replaced an axle shaft, written thousands of words and broken down countless stock charts.

We stay busy from sunrise to sunset.

We’re not perfect. We’ve certainly got problems of our own (you know… like nobody is calling us to cuddle!).

But here’s the thing… take away our Know-How or stop us from getting our hands dirty and, of course, our mind’s health will go south.

We’re wired to do stuff.

We’re not built to sit on the couch and call the plumber when the toilet is running.

We need to fix it. Science proves it.

Think of these things as a sort of bank account. Each time we give something up – each time we trade our Know-How for convenience – we’re making a withdrawal. And each time we do something for ourselves, we make a deposit.

As always, if our outgo is more than our inflow… we go broke.

But instead of losing money, we lose something far more valuable – our Liberty.

Without the ability to do things for ourselves, we lose the freedom to do things for ourselves.

It’s that simple.

And when we lose our freedom, science shows we get sick. We lose our sense of purpose. And, well, we end up sobbing at the bottom of a “puppy pile.”

Go ahead and join a cuddle party.

We suppose there’s nothing harmful about them.

Just know that they won’t fix what ails you.


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